Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize