T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
