of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
