Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
