there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
