so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
