Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I faked an abortion last night.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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