I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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