oh god the rape fog is back!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize