You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
