Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize