I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
