the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
