I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
