i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
