So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
