So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
