So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
