I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize