Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
