My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
