Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
sex in a hospital.. check
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
