I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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