life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
