My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
