Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
