I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
