Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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