respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
