Ambien. No doubt about it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
