im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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