her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
