You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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