if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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