Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
