she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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