There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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