The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize