Soap is not a condiment
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
