your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
