So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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