yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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