You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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