Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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