it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
