he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
