3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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