Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
