I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
