Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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