just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
