Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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