saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize