if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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