i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
