checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
