You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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