I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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