Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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