I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize